Update

I didn't take a laxative and I do feel better now that I've slept. But, I still feel a little more empty inside.

It's different now

Josh's father passed away yesterday morning, after suffering three long years with Multiple Myeloma. I am very sorry for their loss, but at the same time glad that his father is finally not suffering anymore. I truly believe that the hospital is responsible for his untimely death due to poor treatment and an inability to care, or even try. Josh and his family are doing alright, considering the situation. But Josh and I, are a different story... I really can feel the strain on our relationship. It is beyond stressful and I am trying so hard not to go into 'Protect My Heart' mode... but I'm failing.

Last night Josh told me that I disappointed him when I didn't visit on Christmas Eve. I didn't realize how much he needed me, and I guess I was selfish not to drive over. But those words... ripped my heart out. I was and still am devastated. I keep replaying that night. I just want to go workout and stay in my lab... but I am supposed to go visit tomorrow. I even wrote an apology note (I also apologized last night), and Josh said it was sweet, and he's not mad anymore... but I don't believe him. I tried not being "short" on the phone with him, but I wasn't nearly as talkative as I usually am.

Maybe love is just bullshit, and not worth the effort. If you just end up hurting others and yourself in the end...
I just want to give up.
I don't feel like I make him happy anymore; maybe I never did. Maybe he's just settling; I mean he did choose Grey over me... excellent. Second place, once again.
Just not good enough.
I need a laxative or eight...

Always Learning

Josh and I have been dating for almost 6 months, which isn't a big deal to me, but for him it is. We went to a party last Friday and had a good time, but before I left a friend wanted to vent, which turned into a serious conversation. I told her that I felt as though the apartment I lived in for almost a year has never felt like home and that I've constantly had to watch my step. I always felt criticized by my roommate and felt like the environment was toxic. It brought me down emotionally and physically and I couldn't wait to leave. She gave me good advice and said treat this not only as a physical break from her but an emotional one as well. She also told me to call her because she had been in a situation like this and knew that as soon as I moved into my new place I may feel lost. She said that after being suffocated for a year, having that first burst of fresh air can be overwhelming. So, I promised to call her.... Anyways, back to my story... This conversation was very thought provoking. So when I was driving home with Josh, I was quiet, lost in thought. We went to bed, but I felt as though he was ... stiff (and not in a perverted way... :P) Then all of a sudden:

Josh - "Are you mad at me?"
Me - "What! Of course not, why would you think that."
Josh - "Because you're quiet."
Me - "I don't always talk."
Josh - "Yes... you do."

HAHAHAHAHA!

Then we spent another two hours just talking about us and his past relationships. His first girlfriend and him dated on and off again for 4 years. Apparently, she would date him for a few months, then Josh would 'say or do something wrong' and she would break up with him. I guess he is just insecure about us. I don't know why. I know his father isn't doing well. It sounds as if he is stable, but weak. I try not to pry about this, because I know it is hard, and I don't know what it's like to lose a father (thank goodness). Maybe he feels as though his life is falling apart. He seems so down lately... I don't know what to do to cheer him up...

Taking a Step Back

My major adviser asked my fellow colleague Jing to be the TA for the Food Chemistry lab, next semester. Although I am happy for her, I can't help but feel disappointed, in myself. I question whether or not I am letting him down... myself down... my parents down... everyone... When talking to my parents a few weeks ago, they told me that I should just ask him for a performance evaluation. That it's okay to ask if I am doing alright as a graduate student, and fulfilling my duties. I am not sure that I am... maybe I am not working hard enough, but I can't help but feel as though I am slipping away, one day at a time.

This year has been so hard. And last night I couldn't sleep, I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I am not overwhelmed with the research and writing, but more so I was packing my clothes, and I started to freak out. I am so much bigger now then I was last year. Or so I feel. I hate myself for letting ED get the best of me. And feel somewhat ashamed that the trigger for me getting better was Josh. Am I that girl who has to be in a relationship to feel secure? Or is he really just 'good' for me?

It's been forever

I know, I've been a bad blogger. But in all honesty, things have been relatively boring with my life. I am swamped with lab work and school work, but I guess that should be expected. Mia has been good to me lately, I have hardly purged in such a long time and have come to except my over-eating habits. I am working on getting better with that, but at least I am feeling better about recovery... it is an attainable goal.

This brings me to another thought. I have stopped looking at my workbook. I am in such a comfortable state with my life that I can't help but fear that the workbook will open up a new door for me to walk through and throw my contentness (?) into shambles. So, is this progress? I am not sure. I have a friend who I trust; I have a boyfriend, which I am falling in love with (more on that later), and a career goal that I finally feel like is within my reach. I am not 100% happy, but I satisfied with my direction. Sure I wish that my skin was clearer, I was thinner, my roommate wasn't a manipulative, user, or that my other "friend" wasn't taking advantage of me all the time. I accept all of my faults and failures, and am able to look in the mirror without disgust. Yes, I am not happy with who I look at, but I can look at her. I'm not sure that I am in a standstill. Is this just very slow, sloth-like, progress? Or am I not moving?

I still feel like chatting, so here is a brief update. I have been pissing off my "friend" Mingo, for awhile now. For instance, today, I agreed to help her with this project but she never said what time we would work on her project. So, I went to lunch with friends. She calls, and is mad that I can't help her. CLEARLY MY FAULT! Also... she doesn't know how to work the machine, nor does she have any buffer prepared... WTF. I am NOT doing her research. I will help, that's it, end of story. Josh, in the meantime, has been amazing to me. I never knew how considerate someone could be. Mark was a good guy, and cared about me... but this is so much more different, and deeper. I haven't spent any time with him in 4 days, and I miss him. I've never felt like this before... and I'm scared. Crazy... huh?

Strength

It's been two weeks and one day since my last binge/ purge. I have to admit that I have been glutinous on a few occasions, but who isn't? I finally had enough courage to face my demon on Wednesday and stepped on the scale, which read a whopping 143.5. I have NEVER been more than 140, until now. And I am pretty upset, disappointed, and angry at myself for allowing myself to stop caring and just let everything go. I have accepted the fact that I have so much work to do, in changing my physique, and retraining my body and mind into a future triathlete. The road is long and hilly, but I am excited about this journey. I no longer will cry over something that does not need to be permanent. I can run, I can swim, I can bike, I can stop over eating... I can change.

Over the past few days, I have come to realize that I will be 24 years old soon. I am not a child anymore, nor should I view myself as a young 18 year old girl, who is still discovering herself. I am a woman. I am an adult. It is time that I act and stop wasting my time on past regrets. Stop holding myself back with my insecurities. I refuse to live like this anymore. I am tired of being weak, and succumbing to the binges. I am ready to move on.

I need help...

I've been good for a week, and then yesterday I relapsed and binged, but I was able to convince myself to not purge. And then, the second shoe dropped and I binged hard today and now I am so disgusted with myself that I just took 7 laxatives.

I am worthless.

I hate myself.

Workbooks, help, and fatigue

I finally received the books I ordered from Amazon.com on Monday. I have been reading, "It Started with Poptarts..." and have been very disappointed. The woman who wrote this pseudo autobiography was bulimic, which turned into alcoholism. I wasn't impressed with her information about recovery and found her irritating. She concentrated more on relationships and her inability to "love herself." She also put a lot of blame on her mother, who "ignored her and controlled her as a child." So I stopped reading the book. I skimmed through the last 1/4 and put it on my shelf. I am now working on the Overcoming Bulimia Workbook. It already is proving to be helpful. For instance, it asked me to draw a pie chart on what I find important in life, and place it into percentages. Possible options included weight, relationships, personality, being a good mother, appearances, meeting expectations, etc... Once I put this into excel, I will post my pie chart. I am happy with this workbook, so far. It may even help me take that huge leap and see a counselor. I know that is what I need to do. Another thing is that habits I have, I didn't realize were "bulimia traits." Like me calculating how many hours I don't eat per day. They say a lot of these habits can serve as a medium into anorexia...

Another update, I did something scary yesterday. J noticed that I have been feeling a little down, and I guess there was some sadness in my voice over the phone yesterday. Well, he asked me if I had any 'skeletons in my closet.' And.... that is when I finally caved in and told him about ED... I have never told someone of the opposite sex about being bulimic, let alone someone I am attracted to. He was quiet for awhile after, so I gave him an out. I told him I understood if he didn't want to deal with it and just wanted hang in the towel, and he practically yelled no that's not what I want. Lol. He said he just wished there was something he could do to help, and let me know that if I needed him, I could count on him. I feel some weight off of my shoulders. Oddly enough, I have told a grand total of 6 people and still feel so alone. There are days where all I want to do is hide from it all, the pressures of school, the feeling of insecurity... the feeling of hopelessness.

What you want and what you need

I took a spinning class yesterday with my favorite instructor. He constantly asks rhetorical questions, which is something I enjoy. Anyways, he asked one question that really stuck with me: What do you need out of your ride and what do you want? Are they the same, or does what you need not necessarily coincide with what you want? I am now redirecting that question with my life. What do I need out of life, and what do I want? Are they the same? As a reflected, I realized that in some way they are the same. I need challenges in my life; the kinds that test your willpower and push you farther then you know you could go. Challenges that make you question your strength and only through teeth-gritting determination you overcome and persevere. It seems crazy that I want life to be more of a roller coaster than a scenic stroll. But I have come to realize that success without failure is instant gratification. It’s easy. Where are the risks, the battles, the scars? Life was not meant to be easy. Period. Now the second part of the question, what do you want? I want to be successful. I want to be happy. I want perfection. Big question, does perfection = happiness? Or does perfection = success? Yes, I know that nobody is perfect, but what about personal perfection? Is there such a thing? I am going to go think some more.

F'd up in my head

I know I haven't been posting lately, but school work has begun to take control of my life again... and I admit I like that because school has been my safety net for many years. Yet, I was able to emerge from my lab and have dinner with Tessa. After talking to her I have come to the conclusion that I am crazy, and here is the reason why:

I am starting to see this guy (J) and he is sweet, smart, and nerdy. A lot of what I admire in a person are characteristics that he posses. So, what is the problem? I am freaking out about being with him. I could see this relationship having a strong potential of working out, to the point where he could learn about ED and I could tell him about my closet of skeletons. But I am so afraid. I am afraid of getting hurt... of opening up... of letting someone in. I still haven't let Tessa in all of the way, and she is closer now then anyone else I know. Often times I allow my overly analytical brain to hinder me from moving forward emotionally. I find reasons about why it wouldn't work, or I'll study him to find flaws... it's insane! I am allowing myself to purposefully sabotage this relationship, and it hasn't even started (in all honesty)! I think that is why I have been so tired lately. My brain is in over drive...

Tessa once asked me to describe my idea of my perfect relationship, and I have been putting a lot of thought into it. For me, the man I am with would be honest, smart, independent, and passionate. Our relationship would be built based upon each of our passions in life. He would push me to test my limits academically and physically (in running) and I would support him in whatever he chose to do. Our relationship would be based upon independence rather than co-dependence. He would allow me to make my mistakes, but be there when I fall. I know I am going to fall, and I know I am stubborn, which is why I need to experience problems so I can discover the resolutions.

So true, it's scary

You are tough to figure out; you have a hard time showing emotion and are a guarded individual. You are highly private and do not like to discuss your personal or family life with anyone. You have great inner strength, and take pride in your individuality; you are able to inspire confidence in others. You are kind, thoughtful, considerate and do not like to bother others with your difficulties. Asking for help is very hard for you. You have a zany side and love humor in many forms. You have a rich fantasy life and pride yourself on your good taste in people as well as intellectual matters. You have extremely high standards and a small social circle. You can put yourself under great stress and enjoy being involved with active, outgoing types, who are a good foil to your thoughtful and at times withdrawn personality. Strengths: Tasteful – Practical – Thoughtful Weaknesses: Guarded – Over exacting – Detached

Friendships and new interests

I think that my 'friend' (Mingo) has returned to her original, amazing self. I have missed her very much these past few months. Tessa believes that she just might be one of those girls that needs to be in a relationship to feel worthwhile. I tend to agree with Tessa on most things, and unsurprisingly, I agree with her on this. Mingo and I went for a run this morning and I was able to talk to her and enjoy her company... finally! Our AM run was not a competition, like it has been these past few weeks. Now I actually enjoy our workouts, and don't just do them reluctantly.

Anyways, I went on a date yesterday for the first time in awhile, and at the end of the night I had some mixed emotions. First, a recap. We went out to dinner, and the conversation was quite relaxed and easy. Then we went to see The Hangover; funny, but stupid. At the end of the night, he walked me to my door, and I think he wanted to take the plunge and kiss me, but that didn't happen. So we just said "good night." I feel that the date went smoothly, and I had a nice time, but I am actually disappointed that he didn't take that step and give me a good night kiss. This then leads me to think that I fucked up somewhere and now he is not interested. I know I am over analyzing (shocking, no?). I guess I just need to let it be what it is, and see where it ends up.

Good news, I had no desire to purge after going out to dinner. Usually when I eat out, I have a strong need to remove the 'excess calories' from my body so I either take a lax (or 3) or have the next day be a "detox day." Could it be, I have met a guy who makes me feel better about myself... ????

"Help, you know I need someone!"

In response to my last post a friend asked "How can I help?" Back in undergrad, I was able to confide in only a few friends, two to be exact. Since then, I have kept in contact with one. Neither of these girls provided guidance, but an ear to listen. I think that is the best kind of help I can receive. Someone to hear my story, and my thoughts. I like to think out loud, and I do want advice, but only from someone who is going through the same experience. (Tessa, I still want you to ask questions, because they provoke new insights into myself. I know I am stubborn, especially with Mia, and I need to make my own mistakes in order to learn... I need to experience Mia through all her highs and lows, in order to discover, heal, and free myself from the imprisonment that holds me back.

I am grateful for the friends I have, two to be exact. I wish one was more then just a phone call away and I wish one would stay with me... but I know she is moving onto greater and more spectacular adventures. I also have another 'friend' here at school. I used friend with quotations because I am not sure how to classify this relationship. There are times when I think she is true: compassionate and loving. These are the moments that make we want to reach out to her, and thank her for being such a wonderful person. But then, she changes. She becomes self-absorbed, selfish, conceited, and competitive. I don't know who she is... the friend I want or the girl I just tolerate? Why does someone need to be the center of attention, and how does one change at the drop of a hat? I just don't understand. Who are you really?

Who am I?

At first this question seems like a no-brainer. Simple, right? I am a young woman, who is attending graduate school and studies food/ protein chemistry. I used to be a gymnast, ballerina, and theater buff. Now, I am trying to become a runner, and recover from bulimia.

WAIT!

What was the last thing you said???

Yes... bulimia is where I become lost... with myself. For over six years, I have been bulimic, and surprisingly (and thankfully) it has not progressed into anorexia... but I have taken steps in that direction. I just realized that this December will mark year 7. Not an achievement to be proud of. But I am proud that I have finally decided to tackle this disease... I am not saying that I am 100% ready to let go and fight, but I am getting closer. What scares me most is that ED has been with me, for so long. It has been a coping mechanism, a way to make myself feel.

At first I used to binge to suppress my depression (food for comfort... hah!), then purge to rid myself of the guilt and self hatred that overwhelms me every time I cram food down my throat, like a glutinous fool. Now, I binge to feel. For the past year and a half to two years I have felt somewhat dead inside. I think that the termination of a previous college friendship destroyed me... I didn't realize that I loved him, until it was too late.

But, regrets are a waste of time...

So, it seems that I know who I am. But who will I become if I let ED, particularly Mia, go. I have defined myself for so long now that this label that has been burned into my soul. Is it like a tattoo that can be removed? I don't know. This uncertainty of not knowing who I will become, scares me to the point where I cannot take those initial steps towards recovery.