Update

I didn't take a laxative and I do feel better now that I've slept. But, I still feel a little more empty inside.

It's different now

Josh's father passed away yesterday morning, after suffering three long years with Multiple Myeloma. I am very sorry for their loss, but at the same time glad that his father is finally not suffering anymore. I truly believe that the hospital is responsible for his untimely death due to poor treatment and an inability to care, or even try. Josh and his family are doing alright, considering the situation. But Josh and I, are a different story... I really can feel the strain on our relationship. It is beyond stressful and I am trying so hard not to go into 'Protect My Heart' mode... but I'm failing.

Last night Josh told me that I disappointed him when I didn't visit on Christmas Eve. I didn't realize how much he needed me, and I guess I was selfish not to drive over. But those words... ripped my heart out. I was and still am devastated. I keep replaying that night. I just want to go workout and stay in my lab... but I am supposed to go visit tomorrow. I even wrote an apology note (I also apologized last night), and Josh said it was sweet, and he's not mad anymore... but I don't believe him. I tried not being "short" on the phone with him, but I wasn't nearly as talkative as I usually am.

Maybe love is just bullshit, and not worth the effort. If you just end up hurting others and yourself in the end...
I just want to give up.
I don't feel like I make him happy anymore; maybe I never did. Maybe he's just settling; I mean he did choose Grey over me... excellent. Second place, once again.
Just not good enough.
I need a laxative or eight...

Always Learning

Josh and I have been dating for almost 6 months, which isn't a big deal to me, but for him it is. We went to a party last Friday and had a good time, but before I left a friend wanted to vent, which turned into a serious conversation. I told her that I felt as though the apartment I lived in for almost a year has never felt like home and that I've constantly had to watch my step. I always felt criticized by my roommate and felt like the environment was toxic. It brought me down emotionally and physically and I couldn't wait to leave. She gave me good advice and said treat this not only as a physical break from her but an emotional one as well. She also told me to call her because she had been in a situation like this and knew that as soon as I moved into my new place I may feel lost. She said that after being suffocated for a year, having that first burst of fresh air can be overwhelming. So, I promised to call her.... Anyways, back to my story... This conversation was very thought provoking. So when I was driving home with Josh, I was quiet, lost in thought. We went to bed, but I felt as though he was ... stiff (and not in a perverted way... :P) Then all of a sudden:

Josh - "Are you mad at me?"
Me - "What! Of course not, why would you think that."
Josh - "Because you're quiet."
Me - "I don't always talk."
Josh - "Yes... you do."

HAHAHAHAHA!

Then we spent another two hours just talking about us and his past relationships. His first girlfriend and him dated on and off again for 4 years. Apparently, she would date him for a few months, then Josh would 'say or do something wrong' and she would break up with him. I guess he is just insecure about us. I don't know why. I know his father isn't doing well. It sounds as if he is stable, but weak. I try not to pry about this, because I know it is hard, and I don't know what it's like to lose a father (thank goodness). Maybe he feels as though his life is falling apart. He seems so down lately... I don't know what to do to cheer him up...