Strength

It's been two weeks and one day since my last binge/ purge. I have to admit that I have been glutinous on a few occasions, but who isn't? I finally had enough courage to face my demon on Wednesday and stepped on the scale, which read a whopping 143.5. I have NEVER been more than 140, until now. And I am pretty upset, disappointed, and angry at myself for allowing myself to stop caring and just let everything go. I have accepted the fact that I have so much work to do, in changing my physique, and retraining my body and mind into a future triathlete. The road is long and hilly, but I am excited about this journey. I no longer will cry over something that does not need to be permanent. I can run, I can swim, I can bike, I can stop over eating... I can change.

Over the past few days, I have come to realize that I will be 24 years old soon. I am not a child anymore, nor should I view myself as a young 18 year old girl, who is still discovering herself. I am a woman. I am an adult. It is time that I act and stop wasting my time on past regrets. Stop holding myself back with my insecurities. I refuse to live like this anymore. I am tired of being weak, and succumbing to the binges. I am ready to move on.

I need help...

I've been good for a week, and then yesterday I relapsed and binged, but I was able to convince myself to not purge. And then, the second shoe dropped and I binged hard today and now I am so disgusted with myself that I just took 7 laxatives.

I am worthless.

I hate myself.