"Help, you know I need someone!"

In response to my last post a friend asked "How can I help?" Back in undergrad, I was able to confide in only a few friends, two to be exact. Since then, I have kept in contact with one. Neither of these girls provided guidance, but an ear to listen. I think that is the best kind of help I can receive. Someone to hear my story, and my thoughts. I like to think out loud, and I do want advice, but only from someone who is going through the same experience. (Tessa, I still want you to ask questions, because they provoke new insights into myself. I know I am stubborn, especially with Mia, and I need to make my own mistakes in order to learn... I need to experience Mia through all her highs and lows, in order to discover, heal, and free myself from the imprisonment that holds me back.

I am grateful for the friends I have, two to be exact. I wish one was more then just a phone call away and I wish one would stay with me... but I know she is moving onto greater and more spectacular adventures. I also have another 'friend' here at school. I used friend with quotations because I am not sure how to classify this relationship. There are times when I think she is true: compassionate and loving. These are the moments that make we want to reach out to her, and thank her for being such a wonderful person. But then, she changes. She becomes self-absorbed, selfish, conceited, and competitive. I don't know who she is... the friend I want or the girl I just tolerate? Why does someone need to be the center of attention, and how does one change at the drop of a hat? I just don't understand. Who are you really?

Who am I?

At first this question seems like a no-brainer. Simple, right? I am a young woman, who is attending graduate school and studies food/ protein chemistry. I used to be a gymnast, ballerina, and theater buff. Now, I am trying to become a runner, and recover from bulimia.

WAIT!

What was the last thing you said???

Yes... bulimia is where I become lost... with myself. For over six years, I have been bulimic, and surprisingly (and thankfully) it has not progressed into anorexia... but I have taken steps in that direction. I just realized that this December will mark year 7. Not an achievement to be proud of. But I am proud that I have finally decided to tackle this disease... I am not saying that I am 100% ready to let go and fight, but I am getting closer. What scares me most is that ED has been with me, for so long. It has been a coping mechanism, a way to make myself feel.

At first I used to binge to suppress my depression (food for comfort... hah!), then purge to rid myself of the guilt and self hatred that overwhelms me every time I cram food down my throat, like a glutinous fool. Now, I binge to feel. For the past year and a half to two years I have felt somewhat dead inside. I think that the termination of a previous college friendship destroyed me... I didn't realize that I loved him, until it was too late.

But, regrets are a waste of time...

So, it seems that I know who I am. But who will I become if I let ED, particularly Mia, go. I have defined myself for so long now that this label that has been burned into my soul. Is it like a tattoo that can be removed? I don't know. This uncertainty of not knowing who I will become, scares me to the point where I cannot take those initial steps towards recovery.