Workbooks, help, and fatigue

I finally received the books I ordered from Amazon.com on Monday. I have been reading, "It Started with Poptarts..." and have been very disappointed. The woman who wrote this pseudo autobiography was bulimic, which turned into alcoholism. I wasn't impressed with her information about recovery and found her irritating. She concentrated more on relationships and her inability to "love herself." She also put a lot of blame on her mother, who "ignored her and controlled her as a child." So I stopped reading the book. I skimmed through the last 1/4 and put it on my shelf. I am now working on the Overcoming Bulimia Workbook. It already is proving to be helpful. For instance, it asked me to draw a pie chart on what I find important in life, and place it into percentages. Possible options included weight, relationships, personality, being a good mother, appearances, meeting expectations, etc... Once I put this into excel, I will post my pie chart. I am happy with this workbook, so far. It may even help me take that huge leap and see a counselor. I know that is what I need to do. Another thing is that habits I have, I didn't realize were "bulimia traits." Like me calculating how many hours I don't eat per day. They say a lot of these habits can serve as a medium into anorexia...

Another update, I did something scary yesterday. J noticed that I have been feeling a little down, and I guess there was some sadness in my voice over the phone yesterday. Well, he asked me if I had any 'skeletons in my closet.' And.... that is when I finally caved in and told him about ED... I have never told someone of the opposite sex about being bulimic, let alone someone I am attracted to. He was quiet for awhile after, so I gave him an out. I told him I understood if he didn't want to deal with it and just wanted hang in the towel, and he practically yelled no that's not what I want. Lol. He said he just wished there was something he could do to help, and let me know that if I needed him, I could count on him. I feel some weight off of my shoulders. Oddly enough, I have told a grand total of 6 people and still feel so alone. There are days where all I want to do is hide from it all, the pressures of school, the feeling of insecurity... the feeling of hopelessness.

What you want and what you need

I took a spinning class yesterday with my favorite instructor. He constantly asks rhetorical questions, which is something I enjoy. Anyways, he asked one question that really stuck with me: What do you need out of your ride and what do you want? Are they the same, or does what you need not necessarily coincide with what you want? I am now redirecting that question with my life. What do I need out of life, and what do I want? Are they the same? As a reflected, I realized that in some way they are the same. I need challenges in my life; the kinds that test your willpower and push you farther then you know you could go. Challenges that make you question your strength and only through teeth-gritting determination you overcome and persevere. It seems crazy that I want life to be more of a roller coaster than a scenic stroll. But I have come to realize that success without failure is instant gratification. It’s easy. Where are the risks, the battles, the scars? Life was not meant to be easy. Period. Now the second part of the question, what do you want? I want to be successful. I want to be happy. I want perfection. Big question, does perfection = happiness? Or does perfection = success? Yes, I know that nobody is perfect, but what about personal perfection? Is there such a thing? I am going to go think some more.

F'd up in my head

I know I haven't been posting lately, but school work has begun to take control of my life again... and I admit I like that because school has been my safety net for many years. Yet, I was able to emerge from my lab and have dinner with Tessa. After talking to her I have come to the conclusion that I am crazy, and here is the reason why:

I am starting to see this guy (J) and he is sweet, smart, and nerdy. A lot of what I admire in a person are characteristics that he posses. So, what is the problem? I am freaking out about being with him. I could see this relationship having a strong potential of working out, to the point where he could learn about ED and I could tell him about my closet of skeletons. But I am so afraid. I am afraid of getting hurt... of opening up... of letting someone in. I still haven't let Tessa in all of the way, and she is closer now then anyone else I know. Often times I allow my overly analytical brain to hinder me from moving forward emotionally. I find reasons about why it wouldn't work, or I'll study him to find flaws... it's insane! I am allowing myself to purposefully sabotage this relationship, and it hasn't even started (in all honesty)! I think that is why I have been so tired lately. My brain is in over drive...

Tessa once asked me to describe my idea of my perfect relationship, and I have been putting a lot of thought into it. For me, the man I am with would be honest, smart, independent, and passionate. Our relationship would be built based upon each of our passions in life. He would push me to test my limits academically and physically (in running) and I would support him in whatever he chose to do. Our relationship would be based upon independence rather than co-dependence. He would allow me to make my mistakes, but be there when I fall. I know I am going to fall, and I know I am stubborn, which is why I need to experience problems so I can discover the resolutions.

So true, it's scary

You are tough to figure out; you have a hard time showing emotion and are a guarded individual. You are highly private and do not like to discuss your personal or family life with anyone. You have great inner strength, and take pride in your individuality; you are able to inspire confidence in others. You are kind, thoughtful, considerate and do not like to bother others with your difficulties. Asking for help is very hard for you. You have a zany side and love humor in many forms. You have a rich fantasy life and pride yourself on your good taste in people as well as intellectual matters. You have extremely high standards and a small social circle. You can put yourself under great stress and enjoy being involved with active, outgoing types, who are a good foil to your thoughtful and at times withdrawn personality. Strengths: Tasteful – Practical – Thoughtful Weaknesses: Guarded – Over exacting – Detached

Friendships and new interests

I think that my 'friend' (Mingo) has returned to her original, amazing self. I have missed her very much these past few months. Tessa believes that she just might be one of those girls that needs to be in a relationship to feel worthwhile. I tend to agree with Tessa on most things, and unsurprisingly, I agree with her on this. Mingo and I went for a run this morning and I was able to talk to her and enjoy her company... finally! Our AM run was not a competition, like it has been these past few weeks. Now I actually enjoy our workouts, and don't just do them reluctantly.

Anyways, I went on a date yesterday for the first time in awhile, and at the end of the night I had some mixed emotions. First, a recap. We went out to dinner, and the conversation was quite relaxed and easy. Then we went to see The Hangover; funny, but stupid. At the end of the night, he walked me to my door, and I think he wanted to take the plunge and kiss me, but that didn't happen. So we just said "good night." I feel that the date went smoothly, and I had a nice time, but I am actually disappointed that he didn't take that step and give me a good night kiss. This then leads me to think that I fucked up somewhere and now he is not interested. I know I am over analyzing (shocking, no?). I guess I just need to let it be what it is, and see where it ends up.

Good news, I had no desire to purge after going out to dinner. Usually when I eat out, I have a strong need to remove the 'excess calories' from my body so I either take a lax (or 3) or have the next day be a "detox day." Could it be, I have met a guy who makes me feel better about myself... ????