I know I haven't been posting lately, but school work has begun to take control of my life again... and I admit I like that because school has been my safety net for many years. Yet, I was able to emerge from my lab and have dinner with Tessa. After talking to her I have come to the conclusion that I am crazy, and here is the reason why:
I am starting to see this guy (J) and he is sweet, smart, and nerdy. A lot of what I admire in a person are characteristics that he posses. So, what is the problem? I am freaking out about being with him. I could see this relationship having a strong potential of working out, to the point where he could learn about ED and I could tell him about my closet of skeletons. But I am so afraid. I am afraid of getting hurt... of opening up... of letting someone in. I still haven't let Tessa in all of the way, and she is closer now then anyone else I know. Often times I allow my overly analytical brain to hinder me from moving forward emotionally. I find reasons about why it wouldn't work, or I'll study him to find flaws... it's insane! I am allowing myself to purposefully sabotage this relationship, and it hasn't even started (in all honesty)! I think that is why I have been so tired lately. My brain is in over drive...
Tessa once asked me to describe my idea of my perfect relationship, and I have been putting a lot of thought into it. For me, the man I am with would be honest, smart, independent, and passionate. Our relationship would be built based upon each of our passions in life. He would push me to test my limits academically and physically (in running) and I would support him in whatever he chose to do. Our relationship would be based upon independence rather than co-dependence. He would allow me to make my mistakes, but be there when I fall. I know I am going to fall, and I know I am stubborn, which is why I need to experience problems so I can discover the resolutions.
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