At first this question seems like a no-brainer. Simple, right? I am a young woman, who is attending graduate school and studies food/ protein chemistry. I used to be a gymnast, ballerina, and theater buff. Now, I am trying to become a runner, and recover from bulimia.
WAIT!
What was the last thing you said???
Yes... bulimia is where I become lost... with myself. For over six years, I have been bulimic, and surprisingly (and thankfully) it has not progressed into anorexia... but I have taken steps in that direction. I just realized that this December will mark year 7. Not an achievement to be proud of. But I am proud that I have finally decided to tackle this disease... I am not saying that I am 100% ready to let go and fight, but I am getting closer. What scares me most is that ED has been with me, for so long. It has been a coping mechanism, a way to make myself feel.
At first I used to binge to suppress my depression (food for comfort... hah!), then purge to rid myself of the guilt and self hatred that overwhelms me every time I cram food down my throat, like a glutinous fool. Now, I binge to feel. For the past year and a half to two years I have felt somewhat dead inside. I think that the termination of a previous college friendship destroyed me... I didn't realize that I loved him, until it was too late.
But, regrets are a waste of time...
So, it seems that I know who I am. But who will I become if I let ED, particularly Mia, go. I have defined myself for so long now that this label that has been burned into my soul. Is it like a tattoo that can be removed? I don't know. This uncertainty of not knowing who I will become, scares me to the point where I cannot take those initial steps towards recovery.
I am wondering, how best can I support you?
ReplyDeleteShould I listen without making too many comments?
Should I appeal to your logical side? (This doesn't sound like the best option, since you already know some of the things you do aren't always logical, which isn't necessarily a good or bad thing.)
Should I give advice? (I'm not sure I'm too comfortable with that, given my ignornace on your particular issues...)
Should I be tough or compassionate?
Should I ask tough questions or give you space?
Should I point it out when I hear you say things that are potentially dangerous or let you make your own mistakes?
Are you asking questions of yourself, rhetorical questions, or do you want me to try to give you answers from my point of view?
I am ready and willing to do all I can to support you in your recovery. Please let me know how I can best help you, and also let me know when I'm doing something that isn't helpful.
I have complete confidence in you and your ability to recover. Call me anytime you need me!