Josh's father passed away yesterday morning, after suffering three long years with Multiple Myeloma. I am very sorry for their loss, but at the same time glad that his father is finally not suffering anymore. I truly believe that the hospital is responsible for his untimely death due to poor treatment and an inability to care, or even try. Josh and his family are doing alright, considering the situation. But Josh and I, are a different story... I really can feel the strain on our relationship. It is beyond stressful and I am trying so hard not to go into 'Protect My Heart' mode... but I'm failing.
Last night Josh told me that I disappointed him when I didn't visit on Christmas Eve. I didn't realize how much he needed me, and I guess I was selfish not to drive over. But those words... ripped my heart out. I was and still am devastated. I keep replaying that night. I just want to go workout and stay in my lab... but I am supposed to go visit tomorrow. I even wrote an apology note (I also apologized last night), and Josh said it was sweet, and he's not mad anymore... but I don't believe him. I tried not being "short" on the phone with him, but I wasn't nearly as talkative as I usually am.
Maybe love is just bullshit, and not worth the effort. If you just end up hurting others and yourself in the end...
I just want to give up.
I don't feel like I make him happy anymore; maybe I never did. Maybe he's just settling; I mean he did choose Grey over me... excellent. Second place, once again.
Just not good enough.
I need a laxative or eight...
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