My major adviser asked my fellow colleague Jing to be the TA for the Food Chemistry lab, next semester. Although I am happy for her, I can't help but feel disappointed, in myself. I question whether or not I am letting him down... myself down... my parents down... everyone... When talking to my parents a few weeks ago, they told me that I should just ask him for a performance evaluation. That it's okay to ask if I am doing alright as a graduate student, and fulfilling my duties. I am not sure that I am... maybe I am not working hard enough, but I can't help but feel as though I am slipping away, one day at a time.
This year has been so hard. And last night I couldn't sleep, I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I am not overwhelmed with the research and writing, but more so I was packing my clothes, and I started to freak out. I am so much bigger now then I was last year. Or so I feel. I hate myself for letting ED get the best of me. And feel somewhat ashamed that the trigger for me getting better was Josh. Am I that girl who has to be in a relationship to feel secure? Or is he really just 'good' for me?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
First of all, I've checked your blog a bunch of times and I've never seen this post until tonight. What's up with that?
ReplyDeleteSecond, I think asking for a performance evaluation could be a good idea. The only thing that makes me a little nervous about it, is that you might need to adopt a thick skin persona for that conversation. I don't know Larry well enough to know if he's got the sense to communicate accomplishments as well as areas for improvement.
On the other hand, I *know* with all certainty that you are an extremely hard working and also highly intelligent. I can't help but wonder what changed since the time we talked and you felt like you were doing better?
I don't see how your ED is getting the best of you. You've told me so many times recently that you're doing a little better. What's going on?
Finally, I don't think you're one of those girls who has to be in a relationship. I think being with Josh has been a great thing for you!
Call me when you need to talk!!
THA
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I wrote this after I gave my seminar, but didn't publish it because I was at a loss of words. So, it showed up with the original draft date. My seminar was good, but not great, so there was a sense of disappointment from Larry and myself. I know I have to improve a lot with my oral skills.
ReplyDeleteOkay. Thought I was losing my mind. Take care.
ReplyDeleteTHA