I know, I've been a bad blogger. But in all honesty, things have been relatively boring with my life. I am swamped with lab work and school work, but I guess that should be expected. Mia has been good to me lately, I have hardly purged in such a long time and have come to except my over-eating habits. I am working on getting better with that, but at least I am feeling better about recovery... it is an attainable goal.
This brings me to another thought. I have stopped looking at my workbook. I am in such a comfortable state with my life that I can't help but fear that the workbook will open up a new door for me to walk through and throw my contentness (?) into shambles. So, is this progress? I am not sure. I have a friend who I trust; I have a boyfriend, which I am falling in love with (more on that later), and a career goal that I finally feel like is within my reach. I am not 100% happy, but I satisfied with my direction. Sure I wish that my skin was clearer, I was thinner, my roommate wasn't a manipulative, user, or that my other "friend" wasn't taking advantage of me all the time. I accept all of my faults and failures, and am able to look in the mirror without disgust. Yes, I am not happy with who I look at, but I can look at her. I'm not sure that I am in a standstill. Is this just very slow, sloth-like, progress? Or am I not moving?
I still feel like chatting, so here is a brief update. I have been pissing off my "friend" Mingo, for awhile now. For instance, today, I agreed to help her with this project but she never said what time we would work on her project. So, I went to lunch with friends. She calls, and is mad that I can't help her. CLEARLY MY FAULT! Also... she doesn't know how to work the machine, nor does she have any buffer prepared... WTF. I am NOT doing her research. I will help, that's it, end of story. Josh, in the meantime, has been amazing to me. I never knew how considerate someone could be. Mark was a good guy, and cared about me... but this is so much more different, and deeper. I haven't spent any time with him in 4 days, and I miss him. I've never felt like this before... and I'm scared. Crazy... huh?
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My thoughts:
ReplyDelete1) I'm still very, very happy that you're doing well right now.
2) There is nothing wrong with enjoying a period of calm and contentedness!
3) While you are feeling calm and contented, it may be wise to consider planning for the next inevitable time that you are feeling stressed and down on yourself. Possibly you could write letters to yourself now so that when you need a reminder that it is possible to feel good, you have them available. It might even be possible to give said letters to a friend so they can send them back to you when you need them.
4) I think you should do what feels right to you, since no one else is in your shoes. If it feels right to just hang out in this good place, then do it! If it feels right to peek into the workbook and consider *one* exercise to mull over, then do it! If it feels right to consider starting counseling while you're in a good place so that you can be more prepared when the next rough patch comes, do it! Trust your intuition. It's gotten you far--you've found an academic area you really like, you've found a couple good friends, you've found a boyfriend who adores you, you've found a good place to rest for a while before the next challenge.
6) Don't worry too much about Mingo. Not everyone in the world is meant to be your best friend. Just because the two of you don't mesh as best friends doesn't mean either of you is a bad person. Keep enough distance so you don't get walked on or hurt, but not too much that you aren't there when you need each other academically--because you probably will.
7) Yay for Josh! Keep breathing and let it happen as long as it feels right.
Call me sometime!
Tessa