As I am sitting here in the library, "working" on my manuscript (which I am doing), I was telling J how hungry I am. I have ate lightly all day, ran 8.5 miles, and right before we came to the library I had a small bowl of rice with vegetable curry. So mid way through, I get hungry, and start munching (pretzels and pistachios). I started complaining that I was still hungry, but then started justifying as to why (i.e. eating lightly). J then said, "that was a pretty good size bowl of rice you had." My hunger disappears, and I feel... ashamed, hurt, angry, and just have this urge to stop eating all together. With one comment, all of my past work to fight the need to purge is now meaningless. I feel ashamed that I eat a lot, and so ashamed of how I look.
Right now, I am very aware of myself and my body.
I don't know if it's because it was J who said it, or maybe because it's 'that time of the month.'
Does one comment have the power to make someone change? Have you ever had someone tell you something that knocked you two steps back, or more?
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ReplyDeleteWords can be very powerful, can't they? To start at the end, yes, people have told me things that knocked me back two steps and things that have knocked me into full blown depression. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteI can completely understand why that comment, though I'm sure J had innocent enough intentions, would mean that much more coming from him.
I'm sorry.
I can't argue with how you feel. How you feel is just that, and I wouldn't try to change it.
I do have issue with you saying all your work is meaningless. This is a set back, that's for sure. But you've come so far...
I battling these long-term kinds of things, it's important to recognize that there will always be set backs. The trick is to get caught in them less and less and to let them do less and less damage... over a period of years and decades.
You've been doing so well, and I'm proud of you for that. In your rational mind (which may or may not be in control right now), you know it's possible to feel good again, since you've had a pretty long period of feeling pretty good.
Also, you might want to keep in mind that relationships are always going to be tough because there's always a chance that your feelings are going to be accidentally hurt, or that you'll accidentally hurt the other person's feelings. This is a two-way street, as I believe you've already learned.
You have come so far, and you are so strong and beautiful, please don't throw everything away because of one comment that probably wasn't even spoken with ill intentions.
And call me!
THA
Thanks Tessa, you always know what to say to help me stop beating myself up.
ReplyDeleteRinoa