I finally received the books I ordered from Amazon.com on Monday. I have been reading, "It Started with Poptarts..." and have been very disappointed. The woman who wrote this pseudo autobiography was bulimic, which turned into alcoholism. I wasn't impressed with her information about recovery and found her irritating. She concentrated more on relationships and her inability to "love herself." She also put a lot of blame on her mother, who "ignored her and controlled her as a child." So I stopped reading the book. I skimmed through the last 1/4 and put it on my shelf. I am now working on the Overcoming Bulimia Workbook. It already is proving to be helpful. For instance, it asked me to draw a pie chart on what I find important in life, and place it into percentages. Possible options included weight, relationships, personality, being a good mother, appearances, meeting expectations, etc... Once I put this into excel, I will post my pie chart. I am happy with this workbook, so far. It may even help me take that huge leap and see a counselor. I know that is what I need to do. Another thing is that habits I have, I didn't realize were "bulimia traits." Like me calculating how many hours I don't eat per day. They say a lot of these habits can serve as a medium into anorexia...
Another update, I did something scary yesterday. J noticed that I have been feeling a little down, and I guess there was some sadness in my voice over the phone yesterday. Well, he asked me if I had any 'skeletons in my closet.' And.... that is when I finally caved in and told him about ED... I have never told someone of the opposite sex about being bulimic, let alone someone I am attracted to. He was quiet for awhile after, so I gave him an out. I told him I understood if he didn't want to deal with it and just wanted hang in the towel, and he practically yelled no that's not what I want. Lol. He said he just wished there was something he could do to help, and let me know that if I needed him, I could count on him. I feel some weight off of my shoulders. Oddly enough, I have told a grand total of 6 people and still feel so alone. There are days where all I want to do is hide from it all, the pressures of school, the feeling of insecurity... the feeling of hopelessness.
Hey,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad one of the books is helpful to you! That's great! Who knows, maybe the other book with hold more insight for you at a different point in your journey.
That was a big step to tell J. I'm glad he reacted like he did. The reactions of the first few people you tell are so important... I've found that a few positive reactions in the beginning make things much easier to talk about as time goes on.
One foot in front of the other. I know you can get there. One day at a time. Hold on to that phone number you found. Just in case. And call me if you need anything!
THA