Emotions

As I am sitting here in the library, "working" on my manuscript (which I am doing), I was telling J how hungry I am. I have ate lightly all day, ran 8.5 miles, and right before we came to the library I had a small bowl of rice with vegetable curry. So mid way through, I get hungry, and start munching (pretzels and pistachios). I started complaining that I was still hungry, but then started justifying as to why (i.e. eating lightly). J then said, "that was a pretty good size bowl of rice you had." My hunger disappears, and I feel... ashamed, hurt, angry, and just have this urge to stop eating all together. With one comment, all of my past work to fight the need to purge is now meaningless. I feel ashamed that I eat a lot, and so ashamed of how I look.

Right now, I am very aware of myself and my body.

I don't know if it's because it was J who said it, or maybe because it's 'that time of the month.'

Does one comment have the power to make someone change? Have you ever had someone tell you something that knocked you two steps back, or more?

Update

I didn't take a laxative and I do feel better now that I've slept. But, I still feel a little more empty inside.

It's different now

Josh's father passed away yesterday morning, after suffering three long years with Multiple Myeloma. I am very sorry for their loss, but at the same time glad that his father is finally not suffering anymore. I truly believe that the hospital is responsible for his untimely death due to poor treatment and an inability to care, or even try. Josh and his family are doing alright, considering the situation. But Josh and I, are a different story... I really can feel the strain on our relationship. It is beyond stressful and I am trying so hard not to go into 'Protect My Heart' mode... but I'm failing.

Last night Josh told me that I disappointed him when I didn't visit on Christmas Eve. I didn't realize how much he needed me, and I guess I was selfish not to drive over. But those words... ripped my heart out. I was and still am devastated. I keep replaying that night. I just want to go workout and stay in my lab... but I am supposed to go visit tomorrow. I even wrote an apology note (I also apologized last night), and Josh said it was sweet, and he's not mad anymore... but I don't believe him. I tried not being "short" on the phone with him, but I wasn't nearly as talkative as I usually am.

Maybe love is just bullshit, and not worth the effort. If you just end up hurting others and yourself in the end...
I just want to give up.
I don't feel like I make him happy anymore; maybe I never did. Maybe he's just settling; I mean he did choose Grey over me... excellent. Second place, once again.
Just not good enough.
I need a laxative or eight...

Always Learning

Josh and I have been dating for almost 6 months, which isn't a big deal to me, but for him it is. We went to a party last Friday and had a good time, but before I left a friend wanted to vent, which turned into a serious conversation. I told her that I felt as though the apartment I lived in for almost a year has never felt like home and that I've constantly had to watch my step. I always felt criticized by my roommate and felt like the environment was toxic. It brought me down emotionally and physically and I couldn't wait to leave. She gave me good advice and said treat this not only as a physical break from her but an emotional one as well. She also told me to call her because she had been in a situation like this and knew that as soon as I moved into my new place I may feel lost. She said that after being suffocated for a year, having that first burst of fresh air can be overwhelming. So, I promised to call her.... Anyways, back to my story... This conversation was very thought provoking. So when I was driving home with Josh, I was quiet, lost in thought. We went to bed, but I felt as though he was ... stiff (and not in a perverted way... :P) Then all of a sudden:

Josh - "Are you mad at me?"
Me - "What! Of course not, why would you think that."
Josh - "Because you're quiet."
Me - "I don't always talk."
Josh - "Yes... you do."

HAHAHAHAHA!

Then we spent another two hours just talking about us and his past relationships. His first girlfriend and him dated on and off again for 4 years. Apparently, she would date him for a few months, then Josh would 'say or do something wrong' and she would break up with him. I guess he is just insecure about us. I don't know why. I know his father isn't doing well. It sounds as if he is stable, but weak. I try not to pry about this, because I know it is hard, and I don't know what it's like to lose a father (thank goodness). Maybe he feels as though his life is falling apart. He seems so down lately... I don't know what to do to cheer him up...

Taking a Step Back

My major adviser asked my fellow colleague Jing to be the TA for the Food Chemistry lab, next semester. Although I am happy for her, I can't help but feel disappointed, in myself. I question whether or not I am letting him down... myself down... my parents down... everyone... When talking to my parents a few weeks ago, they told me that I should just ask him for a performance evaluation. That it's okay to ask if I am doing alright as a graduate student, and fulfilling my duties. I am not sure that I am... maybe I am not working hard enough, but I can't help but feel as though I am slipping away, one day at a time.

This year has been so hard. And last night I couldn't sleep, I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I am not overwhelmed with the research and writing, but more so I was packing my clothes, and I started to freak out. I am so much bigger now then I was last year. Or so I feel. I hate myself for letting ED get the best of me. And feel somewhat ashamed that the trigger for me getting better was Josh. Am I that girl who has to be in a relationship to feel secure? Or is he really just 'good' for me?

It's been forever

I know, I've been a bad blogger. But in all honesty, things have been relatively boring with my life. I am swamped with lab work and school work, but I guess that should be expected. Mia has been good to me lately, I have hardly purged in such a long time and have come to except my over-eating habits. I am working on getting better with that, but at least I am feeling better about recovery... it is an attainable goal.

This brings me to another thought. I have stopped looking at my workbook. I am in such a comfortable state with my life that I can't help but fear that the workbook will open up a new door for me to walk through and throw my contentness (?) into shambles. So, is this progress? I am not sure. I have a friend who I trust; I have a boyfriend, which I am falling in love with (more on that later), and a career goal that I finally feel like is within my reach. I am not 100% happy, but I satisfied with my direction. Sure I wish that my skin was clearer, I was thinner, my roommate wasn't a manipulative, user, or that my other "friend" wasn't taking advantage of me all the time. I accept all of my faults and failures, and am able to look in the mirror without disgust. Yes, I am not happy with who I look at, but I can look at her. I'm not sure that I am in a standstill. Is this just very slow, sloth-like, progress? Or am I not moving?

I still feel like chatting, so here is a brief update. I have been pissing off my "friend" Mingo, for awhile now. For instance, today, I agreed to help her with this project but she never said what time we would work on her project. So, I went to lunch with friends. She calls, and is mad that I can't help her. CLEARLY MY FAULT! Also... she doesn't know how to work the machine, nor does she have any buffer prepared... WTF. I am NOT doing her research. I will help, that's it, end of story. Josh, in the meantime, has been amazing to me. I never knew how considerate someone could be. Mark was a good guy, and cared about me... but this is so much more different, and deeper. I haven't spent any time with him in 4 days, and I miss him. I've never felt like this before... and I'm scared. Crazy... huh?

Strength

It's been two weeks and one day since my last binge/ purge. I have to admit that I have been glutinous on a few occasions, but who isn't? I finally had enough courage to face my demon on Wednesday and stepped on the scale, which read a whopping 143.5. I have NEVER been more than 140, until now. And I am pretty upset, disappointed, and angry at myself for allowing myself to stop caring and just let everything go. I have accepted the fact that I have so much work to do, in changing my physique, and retraining my body and mind into a future triathlete. The road is long and hilly, but I am excited about this journey. I no longer will cry over something that does not need to be permanent. I can run, I can swim, I can bike, I can stop over eating... I can change.

Over the past few days, I have come to realize that I will be 24 years old soon. I am not a child anymore, nor should I view myself as a young 18 year old girl, who is still discovering herself. I am a woman. I am an adult. It is time that I act and stop wasting my time on past regrets. Stop holding myself back with my insecurities. I refuse to live like this anymore. I am tired of being weak, and succumbing to the binges. I am ready to move on.